THE FOUR LAWS OF COMMUNICATION
by David Christy


The following 4 LAWS of COMMUNICATION are gleaned from the Word of God. The passages are clearly noted and the translation used is primarily the New International Version (NIV) Bible. Acknowledgement is given to Dr. Jay Adams from whom the understanding, ideas expressed, and illustrations of these principles flow.

INTRODUCTION

If you are receiving this article then you already have learned through the "fist" illustration that effective communication is NOT normal. Fighting is. Fighting is instinctive, especially in men. Communication is not instinctive-in men or women. It is a learned art. Relationships and primarily here, the marital relationship, live or die based on communication issues. It is absolutely imperative that we learn how to effectively communicate if we hope to develop and maintain an intimate relationship.

PROBLEMS IN COMMINICATION

Unresolved problems are a block to intimacy and a deterrent to a successful, satisfying relationship between couples. Where this shows up almost immediately is in the sexual relationship. Imagine going to bed with a pile of garbage between you. You turn to your spouse and say, " Honey-do I turn you on?" Get the picture? Without effective communication there can be no problem solving. Without problem solving a pile of garbage begins to pile up between two people. (unresolved issues) There can be no real intimacy. Without intimacy there is no real relationship.

God is the MASTER COMMUNICATOR. He has given us everything we need in this life for "life and Godliness", specifically including how to have good solid satisfying relationships. The principles for effective communication and healthy relationships are found in the following passage from Paul's letter to the Ephesians.


Ephesians 4: 25-32
" 25Therefore let each of you put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin. 26Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28He who has been stealing must steal no longer but must work doing something useful with his own hands that he may have something to share with those in need.
29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form malice.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you. "

LAW ONE


VS 25 "STOP LYING --SPEAK THE TRUTH."
A most basic Biblical principle to be learned here is never STOP something without REPLACING it with the positive opposite. These are the "PUT OFFs and PUT ONs" in the bible. If you follow this principle you will always be successful in changing behavior.

How do we lie to each other? In 2 ways;
1. DIRECT FALSEHOOD. Sometimes we just lie to cover something that we know we should not have done. We want to avoid the conflict that will ensue as a result of the offense. This is serious and could kill a relationship quickly. Intimacy is based on trust and regaining trust after an overt lie is discovered is very hard. If you have lied to your spouse take a moment right now to bow your head before God-admit your lie to Him (God), ask for his cleansing and renewal.(I Jn 1:9) Determine that you will never involve yourself in a situation again that will force you to lie to cover your misdeed. (See "Forgiveness" )

2. INDIRECT FALSEHOOD

"Hey honey, what's wrong?" "Nuthin". Of course there is something wrong but we are not sharing it. This is the most common way that we lie to one another. It is done for a number of reasons but at its root is a common denominator;
TO AVOID CONFLICT -confrontation is painful. We often avoid it for the moment only to experience it in a greatly exacerbated form later.
It's like the car commercial where the guy says you can pay me $20 now for an oil change …or $1500 later for an engine job! It is essential to face the conflict in a small area than to wait and let it fester and then have a major problem ensue.
Some other reasons that we lie…
Too hurt to share.
Too angry to share.
Too intimidated to share.
Too tired to share.
Too afraid to share.

LAW TWO


VS 26 "KEEP SHORT ACCOUNTS"
Don't let the sun go down on your anger. Every one at times can and will experience tensions that produce anger. Deal with it. If you blow it, apologize. Make some form of restitution by a kind act or gesture. Pray that God strengthens you to avoid the issue at a later time ("…keep us from temptation") If you find yourself stewing over an issue and being angry and bitter for an elongated period then you have crossed over from having conflict with your partner to now having conflict with God! This challenge to deal with our anger in a short time is not a suggestion-it is a COMMAND! If we violate it then we are now sinning against God in our disobedience. The tentacles of bitterness and anger will not only affect everyone in your immediate path; it will insidiously touch all those around you as well. ("Do not let a root of bitterness spring up and by it many become defiled".)

I know some couples that work at this very hard and have spent many hours awake in order to deal with their issues and not go to bed angry. Sometimes that is just not possible for some reason but it is always possible to resolve an issue temporarily by making an "appointment " to deal with it the next day. Do it or suffer the consequence! This verse tells us that the devil is always looking for that "crack" in the armor to get in-to gain an upper hand. His playground is anger and bitterness and resentment where the festering of evil spawns. Like a flesh eating bacteria that looks for some form of entrance the devil looks for these openings, the doors of unresolved angers, to destroy us. ("The thief comes in order to steal, kill and destroy."Jn 10) A simple practical suggestion; Tell your spouse that you love them every night before you go to bed and the very first thing in the morning. It will change the whole relational dynamic and before you know it you will look forward to saying it because your heart will change and your spouse's will too.

DEALING WITH ANGER
"…In your anger do not sin"
There are many reasons or sources of anger. In most cases the source is irrelevant. It is how I deal with and focus the direction of anger that will hurt or help me.

CLAMMING UP -this is where anger is internalized, held in. The results are disastrous. Ulcers, tics, bitternesses, resentments, foolish thinking patterns where the perception of the whole world becomes convoluted to your little mess and the resulting harmful and many times, sorrowful behaviors that flow out of that distorted perception.

BLOWING UP -pure rage, uncontrolled, out of control, like a spewing volcano. The result is the same. Issues are distorted and ensuing harmful words and actions are explosively thrown about. Nothing gets resolved.

Both of these situations are a waste of good energy! Anger is a good emotion, a God given emotion, that like a fiery furnace's blast heat focused on shaping a piece of steel, anger CAN be directed toward remedying the PROBLEM that catalyzes it! In our anger we lose FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM. When that happens we sometimes wind up attacking each other and the real problem is lost in the emotional upheaval.

USE ANGER WISELY
The correct use of anger is to turn those intense emotions into a productive emotional laser beam that is focused on the problem causing it. Look for the issue and attack the issue and not one another!!! You will be stunned at how effective you can be using the energy of anger properly.

LAW THREE


Vs 29 "BUILD ONE ANOTHER UP"

The world we live in is very hostile. At any time there is always someone eager to harm us either physically or emotionally. People are constantly slicing and dicing one another, often to cover their own inadequacies. Gossip and slander in the workplace is rife. You may try to be liked by others but one wrong word or action can expose you to someone's anger or wrath or malice. In the marriage relationship the environment can also be hostile and negative. Have you ever seen a couple where one spouse humiliates and degrades their partner in the presence of others? Sometimes they will attempt to cloak their hurtful comments in humor but the end result in time will be disaster. The Christian home, the Christian marriage should be the LAST PLACE that a spouse would encounter words and actions that would hurt or degrade or humiliate. We have promised God and our mates that we will love and honor one another, that we will nurture and care for each other! If we don't then we have betrayed the covenant made with Him and our spouse.

"For the Lord has been a witness to you and your spouse, the one you covenanted with and have dealt with in a treacherous way" Malachi 2:14 (Paraphrase)

The Christian home, a loving relationship, should always be a safe place, a place of refuge, not refuse. Verses 29-30 are very explicit in stating what should not be occurring in our home, our relationships and what should be.

No unwholesome words, bitterness, rage, malice, fighting, slander, and no evil intent.
These behaviors "grieve" God since He gave His Son to deliver us from these kinds of things! These are behaviors that tear down. These are things we would experience from strangers and enemies and should never experience from our covenant mate!
Remember the Biblical principle that when we are told to "put off" or stop something we are instructed how to change by "putting on", something in its place. We are commanded to "get rid" the above but notice below what we are also commanded to put in it's place;

"Use words (and actions) that BUILD UP…"
Be proactive in your relationship and use language that builds, not destroys. Notice the verse instructs us to use words that are "helpful for building up-according to their needs" It is our calling to know and study our mate. I should know how to help and encourage. I should know how to be soothing with my words and actions. It should be our heart to build our mate up and we have our whole lives to study them and know how to do that! Shamefully, I am sure if I asked you what term or phrase really hurts your mate-you would know. Are you an EN-courager or a DIS-courager? The prefix "en" means to add, give. An "encourager" gives their mate courage to live this life. A "discourager" robs their mate of courage and leaves them vulnerable to be hurt or disheartened. We need to know and always speak those words and phrases and act in a way that promotes healing and builds our mate up!
"Be kind and compassionate toward one another…"

LAW FOUR


"…FORGIVING ONE ANOTHER "

You are not perfect. Neither is your mate. There will be times that you blow it. There will be times that we need to extend "forgiveness " to each other. What does it mean to forgive? It is important here to understand that we are given a STANDARD by which we extend forgiveness to one another.(If you can grasp this law and practice it then you will ALWAYS have a successful and loving and meaningful relationship!)

We are to forgive…"Just as God in Christ has forgiven you".
True forgiveness is possible when you understand and have received "TRUE FORGIVENESS" from God. We are to forgive one another as we have been forgiven.

HOW HAS GOD FORGIVEN US?
There is nothing that I have done or could do to merit God's forgiveness yet He extends it to me at the cost of His own Son! God sent His own, perfect, innocent Son to be murdered and sacrificed and judged in our place so that we could be set free from the penalty of death! Justice. Perfect justice. The innocent stands in for the guilty and pays his rightly owed debt. There is now "no longer any condemnation for those in Christ Jesus"! (Rom 8:1) My debt for sin is cancelled!!
Why would God allow His own Son to stand in my place and pay my debt? Am I that valuable? Don't I deserve it? NO! Just the opposite. It is God's mercy and grace.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith and this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God, lest any man should boast. Eph 2:8,9

So then we see that God's forgiveness is merciful and gracious
(We don't deserve it, could never earn it-it is a gift)

THE PROMISE
He further promises, "Your sins I will remember no more".
Is it possible for God to forget anything?? Of course not.
HE CHOOSES TO FORGET!
So then God's forgiveness is based on a promise that he will not remember our sins.
It is a CHOICE based on a PROMISE.

That promise includes 3 things
1. He will not bring them up again.
2. He will not discuss them with others.
3. He will not allow His own mind to dwell on them.

HOW THEN ARE WE TO FORGIVE ONE ANOTHER?
In mercy and grace, even when it is not deserved. Especially then. That is how we have been forgiven. When we say I forgive you it is to be based on a promise;
1. I will not bring it up again.
2. I will not discuss this with others.
3. I will not let my own mind dwell on it.

The old saying "I can forgive but can't forget" is not applicable to someone who has been forgiven by God. It is an insult to his mercy and grace. If we truly practice this law-(look at the dynamics) we will forget! If you find yourself getting "historical", bringing up the past, then you have violated this law. If you discuss your mate's sins with others, you have violated this law. If you dwell in your thinking on your mate's sins, you have violated this law. Forgive as you have been forgiven.

A Ministry of the Pawtuxet Baptist Church
Pastor Scott Roberts
David A. Christy, Director